I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
