he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
