sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
