Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
