see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
