Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
