I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
