he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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