wanna go halves on a baby?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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