I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
