I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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