This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
