Your mouth is God's brothel.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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