having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
