I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Randomize
