He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
