I wanna passion pit in your ass
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
