It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
