dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You pole danced in your parka.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Randomize
