Cold hands, warm shart.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
But break dance skills will only take you so far
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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