You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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