like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
