i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
