The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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