I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
