Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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