I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
