I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
