I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
