WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
