Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
