you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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