He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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