the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
