If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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