Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
