Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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