Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
