My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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