wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Randomize
