Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
