I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
