i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
