How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
