I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
