True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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