I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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