Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
