you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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