I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
