why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
